Saturday, July 14, 2007

pet peeves.

I'm not a huge fan of the death penalty, but I firmly believe that there are some offenses that merit getting a one-way trip to Magic Happy Land via needle or electric chair.

There are some offenses, however, that are so much of an affront to a civilized society that their commission should result in instant execution. No trial, no due process--get caught doing any of these things, and you deserve a swift and violent death, administered by the folks who have to suffer the consequences of your actions.

Among those acts are:

1.) Talking out loud during a movie, including (but not limited to) shouting advice to the characters on the screen, or answering your motherfucking cell phone. They should issue every moviegoer a suppressed Ruger Mark II just for the purpose of shooting movie yakkers in the back of the head when they start running their mouths.

*ring ring* (or worse, MP3 "gangsta rap" ring tone)
"Hello? Yeah, dawg, I'm at the movies. Where you a--"
*plop plop*

2.) Standing in the "20 Items or Less" lane at the supermarket with a cart packed halfway to the ceiling. Bonus points for paying with a slow method of currency exchange, like filling out a check laboriously by hand. Extra bonus points for not having ID to present with said check. Super extra bonus points for having the cashier scan in a stack of coupons. Triple bonus for checking every goddamned item on your goddamned receipt to make sure the cashier didn't stiff you on your $0.89 cat food coupons. Cashiers ought to have sawed-off double-barrel shotguns under the register just for folks like you. In fact, keep another one on a string hanging from the magazine & candy bar rack by the register, so that the suffering person next in line can let you have both barrels.

3.) Attempting to merge into fast-moving Interstate traffic, and then coming to a dead stop at the end of the on-ramp, blinker out, hoping to merge into traffic going 60+ miles per hour from a standing start. That's not just a great way to get yourself killed, but also a marvelous source of enjoyment for the drivers coming up behind you--the ones that actually know how to merge into Interstate traffic, and who now have to do a happy little slalom around your retarded ass, because you're blocking the on-ramp with your Mercury Medicare. It's a great injustice that 40mm grenade launchers are restricted as Destructive Devices, because there ought to be one in every passenger foot space just for folks like you.

4.) Using the words "irregardless" and "supposably" with serious intent, as if they are actual, valid English. If you're an adult with at least a high school diploma, and those words come out of your mouth, your conversation target should have the undisputed and absolute right to empty their sidearm into your stupid face and leave your carcass on the sidewalk as a warning.

5.) Speeding past the line of cars waiting on an off-ramp or interstate merge, only to squeeze into the line at the last possible moment. Because, you know, we're all just waiting our turn in this long-ass line because we have nothing better to do. You, on the other hand, are so goddamned important that the normal rules of the road don't apply to you, never mind the unwritten rules of common courtesy. If you do that clever little last-second merge, the ticked-off people behind you ought to have the right to drag you from your vehicle, string you up on the nearest light post, and go piƱata on your ass with tire irons.

6.) Driving around in a pick-up truck with a bed full of loose trash. Look, Bubba, I understand it's a bit of an effort to bag your trash and take it to the dump, but I don't think I should have to dodge your terbaccy-juice-filled Styrofoam soda cups, Twinkie wrappers, and ashtray contents. It'd be sweet (and by that I mean totally awesome) if the people suffering from your comet trail of garbage could chain you to the steering wheel and dump you and your truck in one of those handy car compactors that turn a two-ton vehicle into a two-ton coffee table.

This list of offenses is by no means exhaustive. They're just the tip of the iceberg, the most egregious of courtesy felonies that get my blood pressure up every time I encounter them. I think if we must have a death penalty on the books, it would be a shame to limit its application to such pedestrian offenses as Murder One. It's time to cull the herd, I say.

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